NP: Pet Peeves

Jesse
Now Playing: What’s the Altitude - Cut Chemist ft. Hymnal

What’s our topic?

Zach
Pet peeves.

Jesse
I have none.

Zach

How can you possibly not have a single pet peeve? You spent 80 percent of your time peeving about something.

NP: Dirt Road Anthem - Jason Aldean feat. Ludacris

Jesse
Yes but I release them into the wild.  I never keep them as pets.

Zach
Well, at any given time, you should have about three or four hundred swirling about that complex brain of yours

Jesse
But that’s like trying to high-five someone while they’re going around on an out of control carousel.

Zach
I think my biggest pet peeve is when you open the door for someone and they feel the need to put their hand on the door as they walk out.  There is no reasonable explanation for doing that.

Jesse
They are trying to show they can do it without your help, thank you very much.

Zach

Either you sincerely have no faith in the common stranger, and feel that you are going to close the door on them, or they are so arrogant that they feel the need to show you that they are in able capable of opening the door the for themselves

I was at Subway today (Ham, flatbread, pretty much the opposite of a pet peeve), and I took the time to hold the door open for three people. As each of them walked through, they put their hand on the door.

It took every fibre of my being not to close the door on them.

Jesse
Self-fulfilled prophecy.

Zach
And then when they look at you funny, you just say “What?   Clearly you’re above my help,” and then walk away, leaving them to stew in their inappropriate conduct

NP: Eastwood Psychiatry - Gorillaz vs. The Avalanches

Zach
Ok, did my pet peeve release any teen angst?

NP - Garands - young the Giant

Jesse
You’re the one who would feel the release.  A pet peeve is like holding in a sneeze.  Once you share it you release the pent-up frustration and realize how ridiculous you looked trying to hold it in.

Zach
Kinda like when people tell annoying driver stories

Jesse
87% of my pet peeves involve other drivers.

Zach
Oooooh! I’ve struck a nerve!

Jesse
NP: Gorillaz ft. Justin Timberlake - Dare

To sum up my pet peeve is that the majority of people drive not as though they’re the only person on the road, but that they’re in some kind of arcade game where they get points for driving dangerously.

Zach
Wait.. life is not just an arcade game with a crapload of quarters?

I’ve learned that the best way to deal with these people is to just let them do what they want. For example, if they want to merge in front of you when they shouldn’t, then let them. It’s always fun to pull up next to them at the next light and then give them a huge grin.

Love the way You Lie - Eminem ft. Rihanna

Jesse
“Life is no Nintendo game.” - Eminem    Wise words.

Zach

I wish Eminem would follow me around so he could inspire me with nonsensical vulgar metaphors.

Jesse
I didn’t come here for advice.  That’s like advising a person who is deathly afraid of Pop Tarts to jump naked into a vat of toaster treats.

 NP - Nicki Minaj - Super Bass

Zach
Super Bass is dedicated to Caleigh if she ever reads this who took the time to memorize all the lyrics from this song. Mad impressive.

NP: Easy - Rascal Flatts ft. Natasha Bedingfield

Jesse
Seriously?  Who are you, Ellen DeGeneres?

Zach
I wish. All I know is that Rascal has quite a bit of swagger.  Is that his name?

Jesse
If by swagger you mean fatal amounts of Botox then yes, he is dripping swag goo.

Zach
I didn’t know Rascal is fat.   He doesn’t sound fat on the radio

Jesse
The radio takes away 10 pounds.

Zach
Well if that’s the case, he’d still sound big on the radio.   Might just have a little less neck jiggle.

Jesse
If you listen close enough you can hear the sound reverberating off of his portly jowls.

NP: Newton Faulkner - Teardrop

Zach

Wait wait wait, you’re telling me this guy’s parents gave birth to a child, and thought to themselves: “He shall be called Newton” and didn’t wake up from a sweaty nightmare afterwards?

It sounds like something I’d name a misbehaving squirrel.

Jesse
Newton was a genius.  He discovered the concept of gravity and had a delicious cookie named after him.

Zach
Pet Peeve: People who name their kid Newton.

NP: Sweet Disposition - Temper Trap (Axwell & Dirty South remix)

Jesse
So is the song you dance to at the beginning of The 50-year-old Lesbian Show?   When your back isn’t injured?

Zach
And luckily, the picture they’ve chosen for the video is of a Latin girl wearing a camouflage short skirt and a belly-top with a butterfly on it.  Makes total sense for this Australian band.

Jesse
You just can’t make the connection because you’re not an artiste.

Newton Faulkner - Uncomfortably Slow

Zach
Worst fadeout/fadein ever.

Jesse
I’m petting your peeve.

Zach
I’m playing intense remixy awesomeness, and you come in with MORE Newton?

How does he have two songs? He’s easily the most successful Newton of all time.

Except for, of course, the delicious Fig Newton.

Jesse
Way to bring in an already-referenced cookie.  Tres original.

Zach
I felt it needed to be mentioned again.   Did mom buy any?

Jesse
Fail Mom?  Not likely.

Zach
Sonuva!

Oh wait, there’s pie.  Brb.

Jesse
Nice work DJ Failsauce.

Zach
I was thinking about pie.

NP: Young Blood- The Naked and Famous

Jesse
Paris Hilton has a band?

Zach
You just ruined this song

Jesse
Mission Accomplished

Zach
So as you know, I just went on a pie trip

Jesse
Is that like an acid trip?

Zach
I noticed there is an empty green garbage bag lying on the stairs.   Is that still the universal signal for “Clean the kitty litter Jesse”?

Jesse
Yes.  Fail Mom is also Passive-Aggressive Mom.  She is a Mom of all Trades, Master of Some

NP: Tricky - Hollow

Zach
Classic. The OC was breeding ground for artists that would have had no chance to get big unless they were featured on the OC

Jesse
Thus bringing indie into the mainstream consciousness.

Zach
As I continue eating this pie, I start to wish that it was indie pie so that no one would know about it and I could eat the whole thing

Jesse
Death Pie for Cutie circa 2001

Zach
Best kind.

Jesse
Pie Rosetta

!

Zach
Never forget the ‘!’  Otherwise you could follow it with like: Hey Rosetta, you suck.  Which is completely an unwise comment.

NP: Eyes Wide Open - Gotye

Jesse: No comment

NP: Volcano Choir - Island, IS

Zach

NP: Barbra Streisand - Duck Sauce

The best song ever to be created by a condiment.

Jesse
A song so amazing Glee didn’t have the glitter-coated balls to cover.  They chose to stage a fake flash mob and dance to it.

Also, Duck Sauce is not yet a condiment.  It is not familiar enough.

Zach
Tell that to Duck Sauce! It’s got 34 million views!   

I think my biggest pet peeve is every song on earth that isn’t this one.

Jesse
NP: Souls of Mischief - From 93 Till Infinity

Best Song to Feature the Word “Anus”

Zach
As much as I want to prove you wrong, I don’t cherish the idea of finding a better song that features the word “anus.”

Jesse
Fair play.

Zach
NP: Somebody to Love Me - Mark Ronson and The Business INTL ft. Boy George

Jesse
Well, if there was another artist likely to have a song featuring the word “Anus” it would be “I Like Boys” George

Zach
Haters gunna hate. Potatoes gunna potate.

Jesse
Pet Peeve: Songs that overstay their welcome.

NP: Redlight King - Old Man

Zach
NP: You’ve Got the (Dirtee) Love - Dizzee Rascal and Florence and the Machine

Jesse
Ear barf.  My ears have motion sickness.

Zach
My arms are going to have motion sickness in a minute from travelling so fast to hit you right in your rosy cheek.

Music 101

Zach: What are your thoughts on the Dubstep genre?

Jesse: I like any music style that has a signature sound.  WUB WUB WUB!

Zach: Is this a shameless plug for your Frisbee team that goes by that moniker?

Jesse: Nope.  Just a ringing endorsement of one of my favourite sound effects.

Zach: Fair enough.
Zach: Tell me about your first dubstep experience.

Jesse: I remember reading about it and having to look it up on wikipedia, which made me feel like an outsider looking in.
Jesse: But the first time I heard an actual dubstep song I transferred immediately into the inside.
Jesse: It’s still enough on the periphery that you can feel cool for knowing what it is.  Which says something in a world where the cutting edge only lasts about 3.7 seconds.

Zach: It’s like the pioneer dude of dubstep is this kind bearded man, and to all who want to listen, he says, “come, dubstep inside with me”

Jesse: You’re right.  It’s not exclusive, it’s actually quite welcoming to those who are willing to give it an honest listen.

Zach: I remember hearing it for the first time in its intended way

Jesse: In a seedy club in London?

Zach: Most likely..
Zach: The only way to compare it to anything is to say that besides the iceberg, it is the only thing that could take down the Titanic.
Zach: I remember watching that movie in ‘97 when it came out, at the tender age of 8
Zach: There are only two things I remember from that movie: the scene where all the plates are shattering (and I only remember it because mom was bawling her eyes out, which dad said was because all the plates were broken), and having to close my eyes when Jack was drawing Rose’s semi-unclothed body
Zach: (Like I cared, girls were icky)

Jesse: I remember when that scene came on dad stopped the tape and fast-forwarded until the end, after the boat had sunk.  He then rewound it in a manner which let us watch the whole movie in reverse.  Watching the Titanic rise out of the water in fast motion was oddly satisfying.

Zach: Anyways, I did have a point here
Zach: When I think of dubstep, I think of its ability to knock shelves of dishes down.

Jesse: Even at moderate volume levels.
Jesse: It has the kind of bass that can force a bowel movement.

Zach: But make it enjoyable at the same time.

Jesse: You’ll never be happier that you crapped your pants.

Zach: And broke all your fine china
Jesse: What a mess.

Zach: Now, the number of dubstep songs that I can name is three.
Zach: My favorite is the one they played at all the volleyball games.
Zach: Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites by Skrillex 
Zach: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WSeNSzJ2-Jw
Zach: It’s the type of song that makes you feel like an athlete, whether you’re knitting a sweater, or eating bacon wrapped in bacon wrapped in Kraft Singles

Jesse: Just what we need: something to make the overweight and lazy feel like they don’t need to exert themselves.

Zach: Exactly!

Jesse: I’m not saying people who knit are lazy or overweight.  They’ve got some seriously athletic forearms.

Zach: Dubstep has opened so many doors for so many demographics.
Zach: I wonder what would have happened though if it came out of nowhere in the 20s

Jesse: It probably would have produced a response similar to the panic following the radio broadcast of War of the Worlds.

Zach: Maybe everyone would just like it.
Zach: Maybe it was just what they needed.
Zach: Think about it, this was the era of the boom
Zach: Um, hello..

Jesse: It may have prevented the Great Depression.

Zach: You say may, I say there is no possible doubt that it would not only have prevented the Great Depression, war would never have happened again, and we’d all live at the chocolate factory drinking chocolate milk out of rivers and eating candy goo from brightly-colored plants

Jesse: Then I propose we build a dubstep-powered time machine and change history.

Zach: I’m one dubstep ahead of you.
Zach: But we’re going to need more crystals.

Jesse: Flavoured drink crystals?

Zach: Yeah, I’m thirsty.
Zach: Preferably something in a grape or peach.

Jesse: I like Wacky Watermelon.

Zach: Anyway, I believe we have successfully proven that dubstep is the greatest anything of all time, and knows no bounds.

Jesse: I can’t think of any counterarguments.

tumblrbot asked: WHAT IS YOUR EARLIEST HUMAN MEMORY?

Jesse: What is your earliest human memory?

Zach: Oh is this our first submitted question?

Zach: I’m glad they specified “human”, otherwise I’d have to change my answer completely.

Jesse: It certainly brings to mind the idea of reincarnation.

Jesse: I’m not sure what I did in my previous life to get stuck with you as my co-blogger.

Zach: Talk to mom. As far as I know, she had something to do with it.

Jesse: What would to like to be in your next life?

Zach: Probably either an eagle or a toaster.

Jesse: You would like to fly or get very hot occasionally?

Zach: Well think about it. Eagles freaking dominate the air, they’re hella smart, and when they get hungry they grab goats off the sides of mountains and pull them off so they fall to their death.

Zach: How cool is that?

Jesse: And toasters?

Zach: Toast is delicious.

Jesse: I cannot argue that point. It would be great to be responsible for toast.

Zach: I know right? And it would be perfect every time.

Zach: What about you? Any next life aspirations?

Jesse: I would probably choose to be the number Pi, with a brief stop as a new pair of socks.

Zach: Care to explain?

Jesse: Well, as Pi you get to live on forever while people try to figure you out. You also get to share a name with a delicious and versatile pastry. And new socks, well they just make people happy.

Zach: Not if they are those dumb ankle socks that always fall off your heel when you wear shoes.

Zach: And you’d inevitably be those ones.

Jesse: I feel I’ve lived a good enough life to warrant a turn as enjoyable socks.

Zach: I’m sorry, the best you’re getting from me is argyle dress socks.

Jesse: I thought you loved those things.

Zach: I do in certain situations. People notice them. They see me in them and think to themselves “that guy with the argyle socks is so mysterious. I really want to get to know him”

Zach: Their “at home” usefulness is limited though.

Jesse: Luckily this will only be a brief stop on my ascension to Pi status.

Zach: It’s funny that you choose a math symbol for your afterlife, because I would argue that your friends are represented by the mathematical symbol “i”

(Editor’s note: i represents the square root of negative one, which is an ‘imaginary’ number)

Jesse: That was hurtful. And a non sequitur.

Zach: Wait, you actually understood my math burn?

Zach: And what’s a non squiggler or whatever?

Jesse: Something that doesn’t logically follow what came before it.

Zach: Now I know

Jesse: Unfortunately, knowing now only comprises 1/8 of the battle.

Zach: And the other 7/8ths?

Jesse: 1/8 Perspiration, 1/4 Strategy, 1/2 Weaponry

This is NOT a Start Up Post

Zach
Here’s my thought: we have a basic topic.

We go back and forth.. “chewing the fat” as it were.

Edit out the crap (and swears - Editor’s note), boom.

Jesse
As long as we sound intelligent

Zach
We always do.

Jesse
Truth.

Zach
I hate when there’s the start up post and then nothing else.

When I see that, I bookmark it with the title “Never visit this blog ever.”

Jesse
It’s like saying “I’m going to assume that you’ve never read a blog before and have stumbled onto this blog by accident, but will learn what a blog is during this post and continue to follow mine.”

Zach
Our first post should be about how we’re not going to have a first post.

Is that irony?

Jesse
Yes

Zach
Every time I try to use irony, people tell me I’m doing it wrong.

Jesse
Are you sure they weren’t talking about “ironing”?  Because you’re definitely doing that wrong.

Zach
Anyways, when people accuse me of misusing the word, I just burst into Alanis Morissette songage until they shut up and walk away

Jesse
I wish that song didn’t exist.

Zach
What is your favorite flash mob of all time?

Jesse
The opposite of the one on Glee this week.

Whatever that is.

Zach
If you’re going to make Glee references, this conversation is not going to last long.

Jesse
Ha ha.  I like the frozen ones.  I love to see how people react to something innocent but off-putting.

Zach
Do you have an example?

Jesse
Like where a hundred people will instantly freeze in the middle of a mall.

Zach

No, like do you have an actual example. I’m a visual learner.

Jesse
Oh.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jwMj3PJDxuo

Zach
Haha, that’s gold.  And you know the greatest thing about it?  It’s got 26 million views.

Jesse
Nice.

Zach
That means it’s 1/5 as popular as Rebecca Black’s “Friday”.

Can you imagine ANYTHING being THAT popular?

Jesse
Other than this blog?  

Zach
That’s like Barack Obama times pogs in the 90s level of popularity.

Jesse
I bet at least one person not involved originally joined in, so as not to stand out.

Zach
You’re probably right.

Anyways, here’s my favorite I think: Everyone dressed as Best Buy employees: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=utkkXCF8ZVc

Jesse
Best Buy needs a more elaborate uniform.

Zach
Here’s the mob I’m going to one day orchestrate. Imagine this: Buncha joe schmo’s playing their weekly icetime at the local arena.

At best, they’ve probably had what, 1 spectator?  Who just happens to be the zamboni driver waiting for the hour to be over?

I’m allowed to say this because I’m one of those joe schmos.

Anyways, what if, one day, these gents stepped on the ice and realized the arena was packed.  I’m talking thousands of people.

All done up too: clothes of the same color of whatever jersey the teams are wearing, facepaint, foam fingers, the whole nine yards.

We got people doing the wave, we got the indian guy from downtown selling hotdogs in the lobby.

We figure out who the one really cocky guy is who thinks he’s amazing because he played one year of double A in the early 80s and heckle him.

That’s my idea.
You in?

Jesse
Absolutely.  We’d be weapons of mass encouragement.

Zach
Alright. We got 2.

I don’t have to do anything else do I?

I mean I told you, now you tell someone else and it goes on from there?

Jesse
As far I know, that’s how it works.

Zach
Fantastic

Jesse
My flashmob would involve people memorizing and performing a battle scene from 300.  Costumes underneath normal clothes for stealth factor.

Zach
Except every person doing it is over 80?

Jesse
Yes.  Did I not mention that?

Zach
No, you clearly didn’t. You can literally adjust your eye level up by a quarter of an inch to verify that.

Jesse
I like the idea of a helpful mob.  How about 300 people showing up to help someone move?  You could get the job done in an hour.

Zach
How many things do you have?! It takes like 5 people a day, 300 people only gets it down to an hour?

I guess there would be like 37 people on each couch. That is way too many.

Jesse
The best part is the human chain leading from one house to the other.

Zach
Ooh, that’s an awesome idea. It’d be like Machu Picchu.

Jesse
With less ‘ch.’